Thursday, January 12, 2006

*another sigh*

It is 10:30 p.m. and I don't know where my day went. How did life get so busy so quickly? I could retrace my steps and lay out every detail of the day, so I know that I didn't simply lose time, but I'm starting to think that living a "balanced" life takes more time than an unbalanced one.

And it was a good day, filled with good things.

But I picked up a copy of the National Post yesterday to read the "Working" section and have still only gotten through one article.

Now here I am, 10:40 at night, completely exhausted from the day and the lack of sleep which seems to be my curse this week. Frustrated because I can't get into the accounting class I want. Feeling uncertain simply because I feel so certain.

Okay, the last point needs some clarification. As you can read if you scroll down just a few posts, for the first time in my life, I feel like I know which direction I'm going. I'm in Business (check!), and will be studying that in September. (September has been the big unknown in my life for many years and now it is known, certain.) I've resigned myself to the fact that life can be blissfully wonderful as a successful single woman and for the first time in ages, forever really, I'm not expecting that this is the year in which my "tragic" love life is going to make a dramatic shift. My Valentine's journal entry will NOT read "maybe next year 'he' will be around." I also have a summer job! And while last year I had received several offers at this time, I was still tormented about which to choose. This year, I've made the decision, and I'm quite happy about it.

On top of that, the first four days of this semester have so far shown a dramatic improvement in discipline on my part, and I don't want to lose that.

And so I'm scared because everything is going so well, it's sinister. My biggest fear is that I'm going to change my mind once again and drop out of school and it will take even longer to finish my degree.

Which all leads me to a point of complete bafflement. I really do not feel at this time that I am walking in a path that is the wrong direction, so it's not like I feel convicted about anything. But right now I am more scared to trust God than I ever was when I didn't have things figured out and lined up. I like where I am. I know the direction I am going. I know the steps I need to take in the next few years. I'm content and I'm in control, yet it is at this time that I am petrified that God is going to change things, even though I KNOW that He only wants the best for me.

Even to the point of almost telling someone to take it back when they pray for God's direction in my life.

Maybe all of this has something to do with why I can't fall asleep at night...

It is now 11 p.m. and I need to wake up again in 8 hours. Start the busyness once again... How is it like this only four days into the semester?

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