Leaving

For a long time, I've been counting down the time until my big move to Virginia. Tonight was the first time that all the implications of leaving really set in.

It's ironic... Today one of the current Darden students posted a link to a YouTube video from Darden Follies entitled "Don't Make Me Leave Darden" on Twitter. (PS I am on Twitter... @missjoolz) I've had it stuck in my head ever since watching it and it feels very weird. It's gotten me to thinking about why I'm doing this whole MBA thing. I'm not a fool; I know the economy is terrible right now. The main reason for getting an MBA is to break into management consulting, and the job market is not going to make that an easy transition!

Then I went for a run this evening. As I was running through the river valley, I was thinking about what a great location I have. Everything here in Edmonton is so comfortable. I know where to find everything. I've lived here for nearly 18 years! I have a ton of connections here. As I was attempting to fall asleep tonight, I started thinking about the big good-bye party when I leave and how hard it will be to say goodbye to everyone. I pictured myself loading up my car and saying goodbye to my parents, and how much I will miss them. (I have to say that since my mom reads my blog... JUST KIDDING... I really will miss you.)

And Virginia is about as foreign as it can get for me while still being only one country away. For all the American television I've grown up around, there are still things that make Americans so very different... leaving shoes on in the house, miles and Fahrenheit, the Southern accent, different restaurant chains... and those are just the differences I can think of!

But for all the apprehensions I may be experiencing, I have no doubt it will be worth it. In the next two years, I will make lifelong friendships, develop a strong knowledge of the business world, experience a (slightly) different culture and meet people from other cultures, and network with people who also have a passion for social responsibility and bounce ideas off them so we can change the world. I don't think anyone ever shaped history by staying comfortable.

I just hope that the words from one of the choruses from "Don't Make Me Leave Darden" don't come back to haunt me in two years:

"I should have never left work; I feel like such a jerk."

Another Step...

Today I got my first US dollar chequing account set up. Not a big deal, but another step on the way to my MBA adventures in Virginia.

In other news, I'm still trying to wade through the muck of student loans and visas. Never before in my life have I wished that I had dual citizenship as much as I do now. Also, I am continually finding myself wishing that we were not in the midst of the worst recession of my life.

But what can you do? As I must continually remind myself, God is in control. If this is all supposed to work out, then it will. If it isn't, well, then no amount of stressing or worrying could change that fact. There are solutions, they are just not as ideal as I would hope.

Spring has FINALLY Sprung!

Just a week ago, I was pessimistically musing to myself, "if April showers bring May flowers, then what do April flurries bring?"

Today, the sun has finally made it's triumphant entrance and I think it's safe to say that spring is finally here. The snow has melted at an unprecedented wait, and the roads and sidewalks are finally clear to walk on again. The sun was shining today, and rather than driving to do errands, I've started walking again!

The weather seems like a trivial thing to blog about, but this past winter seemed especially dreadful. I don't know if it was metaphorically influenced, but with all the stress of MBA applications, the winter just seemed long and arduous.

Though I have no idea where I will end up in a few years, both career-wise and geographically, there is a possibility that I've suffered through my last Edmonton winter. I think that's why this spring feels especially epic.

A few years ago, I was talking to a friend about something I was struggling with. She said that the thing I was struggling with was like winter. It's hard to see the end, but you know it's coming. I remember that conversation keenly, because we had it in April, and I had just gotten a sunburn from studying outside. No matter how frustrating or seemingly endless our struggle may be, there is hope. How appropriate that this spring breakthrough happened on Easter weekend.

Anyway, for anyone reading this and living on the northern hemisphere... enjoy your spring!

What Do You Want to Be Known For?

Perhaps it was the sermon at church last night, or maybe a timely conversation with a co-worker this morning, but the above question has been ringing in my mind. As my life is currently pre-occupied with the upcoming move to Virginia to get my MBA, the question is well-warranted.

When applying for MBA programs, you have to do a significant amount of introspection. For me, this part wasn't difficult. I've wanted to go into strategy consulting for a few years, eventually becoming an expert in strategy and corporate social responsibility (CSR).

There is a part of me that fears that I'll forget about CSR, and focus only on the part that comes easy. I joke a lot about how my life will be filled with Jimmy Choos (note: for those who don't know, Jimmy Choos are insanely fabulous shoes), but the reality is that if this is the only thing I'm living for, life will be quite empty.

Life needs to be about more than a "dream" job, a Central Park-facing apartment (yes, I know, in my dreams) and a closet full of Jimmy Choos. My heart has always been for the poor and the underprivileged. It seems irrational to think that after 27 years of working or volunteering as a champion for social justice that I'll just forget it all and chase my career. But I like having these occasional reminders that life is about more than "success" in the material sense. I hope they keep on coming...

U2 in C'ville - One More Thing Off the Bucket List!

SO... I just found out that U2 is coming to Charlottesville on October 1.

When I started to plan to move down to the States, one of the big perks that I realized was that I would be able to see more concerts than I can in big ole Edmonton. When U2 announced their tour, I thought maybe, just possibly, they MIGHT make a stop in Washington DC, which is 2 hours from C'ville. Never did I dream that they would come right into Charlottesville!!!

The next challenge is getting tickets. In my haste to buy them, I think I got totally ripped off. Watch out for GoTickets.com... they are total scalpers. Tickets don't go on sale until Friday...

EDIT: Cancelled the GoTickets.com order and got them through Ticketmaster. (Yes, it's before Friday... I signed up for U2.com to take advantage of the pre-sale!)

I bought 4 tickets. I've got 2 left if anyone wants to come visit October 1...

Is Capitalism Dying?

If you know me at all, you know that I'm pro-free market and pro-capitalism. I think capitalism works precisely because people ARE naturally selfish, and capitalism is kept in check by the knowledge that providing bad products or treating people unfairly will eventually lead to lower profits.

However, two things have lately been really irking me about capitalism and making me wonder if we may be in the process of an economic paradigm shift. First, the whole financial collapse. Right there was a whole system left alone by market forces, and look what happened. Rather than using greed as a method by which to keep goods and services at optimum levels, it was used to make extreme profits at the expense of the entire financial system.

Canadian banks, which were regulated far more closely than American ones, have fared amazingly well despite the financial collapse in the US and the overall global recession. Point for regulation...

The other thing that got me thinking about the whole capitalist system was a discussion about green technology over dinner last night. Right now, a lot of green technologies are far more expensive than their non-green alternatives. At what point does higher profit trump sustainability? If using a greener technology allows a company to still make a profit, but it is not as high, what incentive is there for management, whose compensation is typically linked to short-term profits, to go green?

Maybe it's not capitalism so much as the entire stock market phenomenon. Maybe "the corporation," as owned by thousands of individuals out to earn a buck, needs to be transformed into something owned by people who have a greater interest in the company. I've heard of employee-owned organizations, and co-ops (which are customer-owned), and perhaps these models deserve a second look?

Just some thoughts...

Friends

Friendships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. This is something that has been well on my mind over the past few weeks as I ponder my upcoming move to Virginia.

One of the biggest revelations that I'm having about friendships is that geography becomes less important the older we get. (Or, maybe the other big change that has affected this is the Internet with it's skype, email and MSN Messenger!) When I was living in Winnipeg, my friends were the people on the same street as me. We would go "call on" them after school (after piano practicing was finished!) and then we would play games until our parents called us into bed. I had few friends who lived beyond the boundaries of that block, but this never seemed to be a deficiency.

Then we moved to the suburbs in Edmonton. One of the most startling discoveries of our new suburban neighbourhood was that there was no one close to my age on the street! At this point, friends changed to those in my class or at church. Sometimes we had to bike over to their houses, or wait until the weekend so our parents could drive us.

Now one of my best friends lives in China. My sister lives in Germany. Despite the distant, these are two of the closest relationships I have. It is so encouraging to me to have these close long-distance friendships as I begin to plan my move to far, far away.

There is a saying that we have friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I'm so thankful that I do have some "lifetime" friends. There are also a lot of people that I know I will lose touch with, who will become a part of distant memories past. It's important to maintain these friendships while we have them. Being a friend is all about giving to someone when you are in their life. The nice thing is that you usually grow in return.

Hmmm... lots of babbling and no conclusions. Just something that's been on my mind as I consider how, relationally, to spend my last 4 months in Edmonton.

Puddles Make Me Smile :-)

As I drove home from work this afternoon, there were tons and tons of puddles! It was SO gorgeous out today, a great relief after experience -30 degree weather on Tuesday.

My shoes, which have remained mostly lonely in my closet since October, will once again appear once all this snow melts away. Skirts and capris which have long gone undonned will shortly be replacing my boring work pants!

Instead of running around my living room with the Wii remote, waving at all my Mii friends, I can actually go outside for running and walking!

Well, soon, anyway... the puddles are all a sign of the warm weather that will be here shortly.

Status Change

It's official.

The Darden Admissions office received my deposit and I got an email notification this evening that my status on the admissions website had changed. Now, instead of "Offer," it says, "Accepted Offer."

The only thing left on my pre-deposit checklist is uploading a digital photo of myself to the student portal.

Apartment!

This is probably exciting for only me, but I received confirmation of my apartment placement today. I now officially have an American address (though not a student visa yet...).

My apartment is on the side of the complex that is closer to the Darden grounds, and has two bedrooms, a den and a fireplace. I am really excited about getting the den, since I've become spoiled in my current house with having an office. Even more, it will be nice for Amy (my future roommate) and I to have separate study spaces if need be for exams. (Kitchen table/den)

In other B-school news, according to the Canada Post tracking website, they received my deposit today. I'm not sure if they confirm receiving it, but I'm kind of sad that they won't keep sending me cute little email videos attempting to convince me to come!

Deposits

In the past week, I have sent off deposits for tuition and my apartment. It's crazy that this is all starting to shape up!

My roommate and I applied for a 2-bedroom plus den at an apartment complex a close walk from campus. (Er... "grounds" as they are called at University of Virginia) I have no idea what the timeline is for finding out which apartment we get, but it's nice to have that at least taken care of.

Anyway, the checklist of things that I still need to take care of is still quite long. The process of moving internationally is quite lengthy, even though my international move is just one border away.

Be Where You Are

On Monday morning, I woke up to a cold, snowy day. It was close to -20, and my car was covered in snow. Since I didn't have the foresight to park away from the curb, I had to stand in deep snow to brush it all off.

On Tuesday, morning, well, see above. (Except I did park my car some distance from the side of the road so I could brush it off!)

Wednesday morning, when it hit the coldest point of the week, I started to dream about what it will be like to live somewhere that hovers around the "mid-40s." (Fahrenheit... I use the quotes because that still makes more sense to me than whatever the Celcius conversion would be.) At this point, I finally talked myself into considering something that I have learned a lot about over the past few years, and in my business classes: trade-offs.

Trade-offs mean that even though I won't be brushing off my car every morning, there will be other challenges, or foregone blessings that come with the snow. So, as I drove to work on Wednesday morning, I started a mental list of good things that come with the snow and the cold.

Here's what I came up with:

- It's pretty. Winter in places that don't get snow is actually kind of ugly. I got to drive through the river valley to work and see large evergreens with snow in the boughs.

- It makes me tougher. When it comes to cold temperatures, I feel as though I can handle almost anything. Next year, when I am walking distance from school, there will never be a day that it feels too cold to walk. And it was 26 years of Canadian winters that produced that ability.

That's all I got... Any other suggestions?

Cross-Border Study Headaches

Growing up, I always watched American television. I'm relatively up-to-date on American politics and especially the American economy. In some ways, being Canadian feels a lot like being American, except that I apologize to people when I bump into them and take off my shoes when going inside.

But now that I am going to study in the States, I am learning that the US is a completely different country. Studying in the States requires a visa, which requires loans. Loans are tricky to navigate, since my options are taking out Canadian funds (a risky option as my heart sinks a little with the Canadian dollar) or paying heinous interest charges. On top of that, getting an American bank account and credit card are not as straight-forward as setting up Canadian accounts.

And then, there is the big question of whether I will even be able to work in the States when all is said and done, especially given the recent implementations of protectionist measures.

And yet as I sift through all these headaches, I watched the most recent admissions video blog. Here's a good contrast for you... In Edmonton, it is snowing and cold. I trudge through the snow to my car, feet cold from the wet snow as I brush off the snow. I drive through the slow traffic because no one really remembers how to drive in snow. Then I watch the video blog and find out it is mid-70s in C'ville. People are walking around in t-shirts.

Even if I weren't going for the educational opportunity, it's worth the headache of moving!

Thou Shalt Not Covet

In A Year of Living Biblically, AJ Jacobs attempts to follow the Bible as closely as possible. In the section I just read, he unwittingly stumbles on precisely the difference between law and grace.

He talks about all the different ways we covet, and all the different philosophies on how we are supposed to avoid coveting. His commentary has a pessimistic air and ends with the hopeful statement that he is now too busy following all the biblical rules to covet as much as he used to.

This is a perfect segway into how I see God's commandments: they are for our good. If we attempt to do something, to follow God's law, without understanding that His law is about boundaries and protecting us, we will indubitably fall short. Instead, we need to understand that the whole "not coveting" law comes from God's desire for us to be content. When we start to focus on the blessings that we have, it becomes much easier to stop coveting our neighbour's wife or his donkey.

Update on Darden Financial Aid

So, I still have yet to receive my admit package (which could potentially contain good news in the form of scholarships), but today Darden announced that they will be able to secure a loan program for international students that does not require a US co-signer. Additionally, they will be providing extra funds for scholarships for international students.

What this means is that I am off to school in the fall. I knew that before, but the financing was a bit of a hurdle that I was not sure I would be able to overcome. Now that hurdle will be cleared!

Darden Bound

At 9 a.m. this past Thursday, I got a call from the Darden Admissions Office informing me that I have been accepted to the Darden Class of 2011. After receiving rejections last week from Harvard and Stanford, and previously from Ivey (a school I thought I was a shoo-in for!), the acceptance to Darden is a huge blessing.

A little background on Darden... It is the business (MBA) program associated with the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, Virginia. Depending on the ranking used, it is somewhere in the top 10 or top 20. One of the reasons it doesn't rank higher is because the profs are really student-focussed, and thus the research is not as prominent as it could be. Darden uses the case method, same as Harvard and Ivey, and is considered a great general management school. Another interesting fact about Darden is that it is rumoured to have the toughest first year of any business program. Although debatable that it is still far more rigourous than other programs, recruiters still maintain this impression, so that's a good thing.

Charlottesville is a college town located 2 hours from Washington DC and an hour from Richmond, Virginia. Though there is an airport in Charlottesville, you can't really fly straight there from Edmonton. The highway connecting C'ville and Washington has traffic lights on it, a speed limit ranging between 45 and 60 mph and is well monitored by traffic cops. I saw three of them on the drive back to Washington after my interview.

It does snow in C'ville, but it doesn't stick around since the temperature mainly stays in the "mid 40s." Charlottesville is considered to be part of the Southern US, and as a result, everyone has thick southern accents.

Okay, enough about Darden and C'ville for now. While I am so happy to be accepted, I am waiting to hear about scholarships and then need to arrange financing. Getting loans could be tricky as an international student, so if you are the type inclined to pray, I could use your prayers for this matter! This could be a big obstacle to overcome, but I'm hoping Darden Financial Aid will help with this.

2008: Year in Review

The time has come to reflect on a year gone by and anticipate the year ahead.

At the beginning of 2008, I had several goals: ace the GMAT, visit New York and visit the Harvard campus. I accomplished these goals, and I must say that 2008 has been the year of the flight. I read once that you should visit three new places every year. In 2008, I met the quota for several years' worth of new places: Cuba, Toronto, Niagara Falls, Boston, New York, Virginia and Washington DC.

I discovered the joys of all-inclusive resorts and figured out the fine balance between relaxation and adventure while in Cuba.

In Toronto and Niagara Falls, I recognized both the joys and pitfalls of travelling alone. You meet amazing people when you don't have a comfortable group around you.

And in Boston and New York, I found cities that speak my language. While visiting campuses, I met other people whose career ambitions match my own. I also formed some great memories with my mom, and got to see a Broadway show, an NFL game and the NY Philharmonic perform at Lincoln Center (all in the span of two and a half days :) ).

2008 was, in many ways, a year of confirmation for me. I have long been growing tired of Edmonton, and being in cities like Toronto and New York just confirmed that there are places that I indeed belong.

While 2008 was an island of stability and predictability, I am facing 2009 without a clue what comes next. If I find myself in the same place I am now as I approach 2010, I will be very sad indeed. 2009 is going to be a keystone year in my life... a year in which something must change, otherwise I fear I may be stuck in Edmonton in a dead-end job forever, just being the "crazy lady," since I don't like cats.

Who Rules the Internet?

Today, I was invited by my favourite band to go to their YouTube channel and view their latest video. I clicked the link in the email, and lo and behold, when I got to the site, I was informed that I am not allowed to view the video from my country.

This is something I don't understand. Clearly, there is not a copyright violation, since the band made it's video available to the public.

This particular incident is not the first time I've been frustrated by having content available, but not accessible. I would love to be able to download (for a fee from iTunes!) old episodes of Grey's Anatomy, or The Office that I missed. However, in Canada, all that is available is Little Mosque on the Prairie.

Something I have never considered before is that maybe something like the Internet, which is internationally accessible, should be internationally governed. Copyright laws should span borders, so there isn't conflict regarding who can access what.

Anyway... just food for thought. I am not a lawyer by any stretch of the imagination, so I have no expertise in this area, and I know it's complicated. I just want to be able to watch my Switchfoot video. :-(

The Paradox of the Crowd

In 1964, a young woman from Queens named Kitty Genovese was stabbed and killed while 38 neighbours watched from their windows.

In The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell mentions a study done by Bibb Latane and John Darley which found that the more eyewitnesses to an emergency, whether medical, fire or criminal, the less likely any one of them is to act. The reason is either that someone assumes someone else will do something, or the presence of so many witnesses has a numbing effect. People assume it isn't a significant problem because no one else is doing something.

I have long been baffled by charity organizations that do little more than "raise awareness." Tonight, as I was reading, I realized why. Is it possible that raising awareness can actually have the opposite of the intended effect? If I pass on a social issue to someone else, does that in effect reduce my passion to actually do something? I could easily get to thinking "well, I've told someone... that's something." But in reality, even if that someone tells someone else, the end result will be a lot of people knowing and assuming someone else is doing something.

I just finished reading The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs. It is a great book in many respects, but the one part that frustrated me was that there were no suggested actions. In fact, Sachs makes the case that extreme poverty could be ended by taking back the tax cuts from the superrich. Well, whoop-di-do. That's not really something I can do.

If you've followed me thus far, I am issuing a challenge. Next time you are faced with a significant issue, be it poverty, declining donations to charitable organizations, or even an emergency... DO SOMETHING! Don't just assume that someone else will.

This week I had the opportunity to hear Craig Kielburger speak. He founded Free the Children when he was 12 years old. He did it because he saw a problem and wanted to do something. At the age of 25, he has now been awarded several honorary doctoral degrees and a number of other impressive awards, including the Order of Canada. Isn't that impressive? But all he did was do something when he saw a need, rather than assume someone else would.

It is those who do something who make history.

Blessings

Tonight I was reminded that every once in a while (or maybe more often than that!), we need to step back and count our blessings. So here is a list of the blessings in my life:

- conversations... about books, about shoes, about travelling, about social justice, about the future... I love conversations that last for hours, with old friends and new friends

- roses... I love that Costco sells 2 dozen roses for a very reasonable price so that I don't feel guilty buying them for my dining room table

- small world coincidences... meeting new people who have connections with other people I know

- silver shoes and finding gorgeous blue dresses and silver clutches to match with them

- new possibilities and horizons that I never imagined... making connections with people on the other side of the world who can tell me about the realities of life I can only read about in books

- compliments... words of love from those who don't even realize that's exactly what I need

Travels

2008 will go down in my life as the first year of many flights. I've heard that it is recommended that you go three new places in a year, and this year, I am definitely filling that quota!

The first flight of the year was to Winnipeg. Although it was under sad circumstances (my grandma - Amma as we affectionately called her, since that is Icelandic for grandma - passed away), it was a great visit with family. It's funny how much more we appreciate family as we grow older.

The next set of flights (since it took two each way) was the first one that took me somewhere I had never been... Cuba! Not only had I never been there, it was also my first time outside of North America, and my first time "crossing" the Atlantic Ocean.

Shortly after getting home from Cuba, I got an invitation to head to London, Ontario to check out the Ivey School of Business campus. Although I had been through London and Toronto before, I cannot remember ever really visiting. And I definitely can't remember whether I'd ever been to Niagara Falls, so that was another set of firsts. (And the third set of flights!)

The next set of flights is going to take me to three new places: Boston, New York and Virginia. My mom and I are headed to Boston in early October to check out Harvard Business School and sneaking in a weekend in New York before heading further south to the University of Virginia, where the Darden School of Business is located. As I can't remember ever being out East during the time when the leaves are changing colours, I am VERY much looking forward to enjoying the fall foliage, especially in a collegiate environment!

Anyway... I am hoping this will be a new trend in my life, as it will probably be quite a while before I run out of three new places a year.

Oh, and I'm sorry as this is absolutely the most self-indulgent blog I've ever posted.

Western Affluence: At the Expense of the Impoverished?

This is less of an argument and more of a discussion... For a long time, I always assumed that our affluence in the "West" came at the expense of those in less fortunate circumstances: cheap labour for cheap goods, etc.

Right now I am reading two books:
- A Farewell to Alms by Gregory Clark, which examines the state of the world prior to 1800. Basically, up until the Industrial Revolution, the world was stuck in the "Malthusian Trap," meaning there was no gain to real incomes, since any increase in production was offset by an increase in population. He then examines the causes of the Industrial Revolution, and goes on to describe why some nations are affluent and others are impoverished.
- The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs, which discusses the factors causing extreme poverty, and what we can do about it.

These books may seem different, but they actually cover very similar material. Ironically enough, I had put down A Farewell to Alms last night (since it has many graphs and formulas and I wasn't in that head space) and picked up The End of Poverty, and it was discussing the factors and implications of the Industrial Revolution.

Anyway... all of this is helping me to start seeing poverty in a new way. Sachs, who I would originally assumed would have thought opposite, said explicitly that poverty in underdeveloped nations is not a result of the exploitation by affluent nations.

And, you'll have to bear with my reasoning here... Clark attributes "modern growth" to an increase in innovation... now, theoretically, if there are more countries contributing to innovative ideas and processes, that will simply increase production for everyone!

This is all just food for thought... Any other thoughts out there?

The End of Poverty

"The destinies of the 'haves' are intrinsically linked to the fates of the 'have-nothing-at-alls'." - Bono, from the foreword to The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs

Although I am certain I've posted quotes from Bono regarding the end to extreme poverty before, since I have started reading The End of Poverty, I am coming across them again. And they are still as poignant and powerful and they were when I first heard them. It is pretty intense to think of the immense privileges that we enjoy, as the richest sixth of the world. And I say 'we,' because if you are reading this, you probably have access to a computer, Internet and leisure time.

There are many people in the world who lack the tools required to pull themselves from extreme poverty, with extreme poverty defined as the state in which one fights daily for survival, facing struggles that many of us never worry about: malaria, TB, AIDS and malnutrition.

There is hope, though, and as I am reading this book, I hope to take more time to blog about the weighty issues involved. This is an issue that I have been processing and slugging through as much as I can, accessing as many resources as available so that I can do SOMETHING. Something big.

Here are some more quotes from the intro by Bono:

"..we could be the first generation to outlaw the kind of extreme, stupid poverty that sees a child die of hunger in a world of plenty, or of a disease preventable by a twenty-cent inoculation. We are the first generation that can afford it. The first generation that can unknot the whole tangle of bad trade, bad debt, and bad luck. The first generation that can end a corrupt relationship between the powerful and the weaker parts of the world which has been so wrong for so long."

"We can be the generation that no longer accepts that an accident of latitude determines whether a child lives or dies - but will we be that generation? Will we in the West realize our potential or will we sleep in the comfort of our affluence with apathy and indifference murmuring softly in our ears?"

"Future generations flipping through these pages [of history] will know whether we answered the key question. The evidence will be the world around them. History will be our judge, but what's written is up to us. Who we are, who we've been, what we want to be remembered for. We can't say our generation didn't know how to do it. We can't say our generation couldn't afford to do it. And we can't say our generation didn't have reason to do it. It's up to us. We can choose to shift the responsibility, or, as the professor [Sachs] proposes here, we can choose to shift the paradigm."

Forgiveness

A few weeks ago, I was at a church service in which they talked about forgiveness. It was the typical talk about letting go of your bitterness, and it was very matter-of-fact. They handed out rocks, and the point was that you should just let go and throw your rock into a pile.

A few years ago, I was in a situation where I was really hurt. Although it was partially my fault, there was also some serious wrong-doing on the part of another party. And, in hindsight (and partially in my defense), most of the wrong that I caused was out of frustration with what was happening to me. When it happened, I became seriously disillusioned, and it caused a lot of pain in my life.

When I held that rock in my hand, I realized that I had never consciously made the decision to forgive. A lot of the bitterness was gone, but there were times (although quite rare) in which I saw the person who had hurt me the most, and it was always awkward... I would look away or avoid eye contact.

Holding that rock, I realized that it was time to truly let go and put it in my past. A lot of me had already moved on - I could no longer recite the list of wrongs that had been done, or remember all the ways in which I had been hurt... but I had never truly forgiven. So, in a very matter-of-fact way, I walked up to the pile and tossed in my rock. I didn't really think much of it at the time... it was just a logical decision.

Yesterday, I was at the mall, and as I walked past a table in the food court, I saw the person who had wronged me the most, but who I had simply chosen to forgive. Without thinking, I smiled and waved...

Blessed

Today I had several moments in which I was keenly aware of just how blessed I am... and I just wanted to share. Not to gloat, but to remind everyone that we are all truly blessed. There are so many privileges that we enjoy, and it is so important to realize and appreciate them.

Even more, I am blessed because I am a child of the king of the universe and He loves me very much. What better blessing than to be loved by God?

In Loving Memory

Today, when I felt the need to look up a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, I found out that she passed away on December 15th. It wasn't a sudden passing - in fact, the last time I talked to her was the day I got the email that the cancer she had so courageously fought was back and too formidable to operate on.

Meredith was my best friend at Briercrest Bible College. I met her the very first day, and we spent the year together sharing laughs and stories. She was someone that I could always be myself around and we had so many laughs together. She was the one who introduced me to MSN (which, of course, is how we kept in touch after we both went back home, her to Ontario and me to Alberta). There are so many songs that I never would have listened to without her introducing me to... "Maybe Tomorrow" by Nouveaux and "Bucket Seats" by Cake are two that come immediately to mind.

A few years ago, she came to visit and we had a great time together. I always intended to visit and always assumed that if I ended up living somewhere near Toronto, we would become great friends again. It is amazing what happens to our intentions when life gets in the way.

Life is so very short. It is a tragedy that hers was stripped away so early, and yet I envy that she is in heaven, hanging out with God face to face. I hope that I never miss the opportunity again to say goodbye to someone and tell them what kind of impact they had on my life.

Meredith Hamilton

September 16, 1980 to December 15, 2007

Another Year in Review

Somehow it feels as though I were just reflecting on 2006 and anticipating 2007. But here we are in 2008 already!

2007 was a relatively monumental year, although in hindsight it was rather anti-climatic. The big news of 2007 was the transition from full-time student to full-time career girl. After what seemed like forever, I completed my Bachelor of Commerce degree (with distinction, I might add!). About two weeks after writing my last exam, I started a job as a business planner for an engineering firm. Working has been a great experience. I've been able to learn a lot about the daily operations of a business in my role. This will prove to be a huge asset no matter where I end up in my career.

So what does 2008 hold? If I am learning anything, it is that we can never say for sure. Some goals that I have for the year are to ace the GMAT and figure out which MBA school to apply for (with the current plan being to start my degree in the fall of 2009). I think most schools don't extend acceptance until January, so I guess the big mystery of where I go will have to be an adventure for 2009.

On the lighter side, I am heading to Cuba in May with a bunch of friends. Other adventures include hopefully a trip in fall to New York and Boston (to visit the Harvard campus and attend a lecture!).

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

It's snowing!!

Snow is a necessary part of any Canadian prairie winter. It comes every year without fail and usually sticks around for longer than anyone really wants.

But, by the end of November, all the leaves are gone from the trees and the city just looks brown and dirty.

Now the snow is coming to make everything pretty and it is here just in time for advent.

There is something really great about the snow that comes and make everything seem clean. It reminds me of Isaiah 1:14, which says, "though your sins are as scarlet, I will make them as white as snow."

Seeing the snow come down means a fresh start. It means the grime of the world is wiped out and replaced with a pristine white beauty. In the same way, God takes our grime and dirt and, with his grace, offers us a clean, fresh slate.

Here's to a clean, fresh slate for you this winter!

Harvard?

Could a Harvard MBA be in my future?

Yesterday I left work early to drive down to Calgary and attend an info session for the Harvard MBA program. I left feeling as though I would really, really like to go to Harvard Business School.

Of course, I am merely average, and most people that get into Harvard are more than merely average. But perhaps if I can up my game, or something, then I will be able to get in. I suppose the first obstacle will be the GMAT (Graduate Management Admissions Test). If I can ace the GMAT, that will definitely improve my odds. Beyond that, if I can step things up at work, then maybe I can get a good reference and some good points to put on the resume.

I don't know why I'm saying this... I imagine it would be all well and good if I got an MBA from any old school. I could secretly apply to Harvard and if I didn't get in (which, to be fair, is a likely outcome) and only got into a good school, then that would still be good.

But I really want to go to Harvard...

Why Rent Controls are STOOPID

Alright, so my intentional misspelling of the word stupid is probably ruining my credibility, but I don't care.

The problem in Alberta right now is NOT that rent is too high. Yes, I know that is a problem, but it is a manifestation of something deeper. Using rent control to solve the housing crisis in Edmonton is like putting a band-aid on a leg to stop the bleeding... when an artery has been gashed.

The problem is that there is not enough housing. And enforcing rent control will actually make this problem WORSE because it will lower the supply of rental housing. There are two causes of this: 1) owners of rental properties will sell them off as condos because the return on their investment isn't as high and real estate is at a premium. 2) People like me, who can stay at home for a few months and wait until the madness subsides, will find it feasible to take a one-bedroom apartment to ourselves rather than sharing a two- or three-bedroom with roommates.

Anyway, my advice to all the people who are experiencing the pain of high rents:

Instead of petitioning the government, ask for subsidies to cover the gaps, because it is a better temporary solution than rent controls.

Dreams

It is 5:15 p.m. on Friday afternoon and I am sitting in my cubicle, still at work. Of course, as you can tell from this blog being published, I am not actually working, but waiting to get picked up.

Over the course of even the past year, I have had a multitude of dreams regarding my future career path. And every once in a while, I wonder if there is something wrong with this constantly changing vision of my life. But lately, I think I made a decision - the direction is more important than the destination.

A year and a half ago, I wanted to eventually become a CEO, and be a leader in social responsibility. A year ago, I refined that that to becoming a business consultant. And now, as of the last few weeks being in my job, I decided that I want to be a business consultant dealing specifically with strategy, and specializing in social responsibility as strategy.

The reason that I don't think it really matters to I keep changing my focus (and probably will continue to do so for a while!) is that it hasn't changed my direction. On the contrary, in heading down a certain direction, I learn more about myself and my passions and my interests and skill set.

For a long time, it was discouraging to not know where I was going, or how to get there. But over time, I really just kept trusting God for the next step, and He always delivered, even if it wasn't a big picture of the future, the next step was always evident.

It was exactly a month ago that I came to Magna IV, had my interview, and said to my friends, "this is my dream job, I really hope they hire me." I didn't know exactly what it entailed, but I knew it was the right direction.

So, I guess the moral of this long, rambly blog is that sometimes we don't need to see very far down the path to get where we need to go. We only need to know the direction and the next step. Life was never meant to be about the destination, so enjoy the journey.

Frustrations Designed to Provoke Thought

Several frustrations have been on my mind lately, and I need to cleanse my mind and get them out there. Hopefully you can either relate and see hope that you are not alone, OR you can help me get out of this rut I am in.

First...

Does anyone else find it hard to get over the past? We go through these sucky events in our lives, and the consequences of them creep into our present, and suddenly we realize that we are moderately messed up in our view of the world or ourselves or whatever.

So how do we get over it? How do we get past our irrational fears?

Second...

For years and years and years, I dreamed of the day I would graduate from university and get a real job. But now that I'm there, even though I do love my job, it doesn't give the type of satisfaction that I was expecting. And my frustration is not with the lack of satisfaction I have from becoming an official "career girl," it is more with the fact that I thought that contentment resided in something outside of God.

You know, there are SO many things that we think will complete our lives and give us that ever elusive "happiness." But true contentment only comes from a relationship with God. And it frustrates me that I continually think I am going to find it elsewhere! Because now that I am working, there are so many other FUTURE events that I have my sights set on (getting a car, moving out, getting my MBA - yeah, more school, crazy me) that I still see contentment and happiness as something in the future.

But, as I know in my head, I have everything I need to be content right now. And I've always had it.

The frustration comes from the fact that my heart doesn't always listen to my head on such matters. And as long as I think that happiness and contentment reside somewhere other than now, that is exactly where they will be. Not here, not now. Always tomorrow...

News!

So, I usually attempt to refrain from being self-indulgent on my blog, but today I figured I would use this as an outlet for sharing the recent news of the life-changing events of my life.

Last Monday, I wrote the last final exam of my Bachelor of Commerce degree.

Today I accepted a position at an engineering firm as a business planner. My official title is "Management Assistant," and my job will consist of driving along some changes at the firm. I know that is not a great description, but if you are interested in hearing more, just send me an email and I can digress!

Eight years out of high school, I have my first official "real" job!

Poverty of a Different Kind

Watching "The Corporation" today, I tried to balance my normal infuriating reaction with some semblance of openness toward the message. While there were some things that I still think are way off base, there was one conclusion that I drew from the film:

We, in North America, live in poverty.

It's not the same kind of poverty that you see in places that suffer from disease and malnourishment. Ours is a poverty of spirit. It's a poverty of perpetual hunger for more. Emile Durkheim, a prominent French sociologist, said something to the effect of "a need fulfilled only leads to the desire for more." We live in a culture that is never satisfied... we always want more profits, higher productivity, better cars, bigger houses...

The tragic part of all this is that it comes at the expense of those who live in a more tangible kind of poverty. Corporations in North America benefit from the cheap labour of those who work simply to afford food for their families... and many work for less than that. We can judge the corporations who do that as evil, but who supports them? Who benefits from the lower prices? Or, who seeks after the prestige of certain brands?

The cry of my heart these days is why can I not simply be content. Why must I always want more, need more?

Next Step...

It's amazing how introspective and nostalgic we become at the end of one stage of our journey. In just 30 days, I will write the last exam of my undergraduate degree, and then I will officially begin my career. I think I've dreamed of this time for pretty much my whole life, but now that it's coming, it just seems scary and suddenly the things I have always seen as frustrating (papers, exams, group projects) become comforting in their familiarity.

Conversely, the things I have always looked forward to, such as moving out of my parents' house, become these overwhelming decisions... should I get a roommate? If I do, who should I live with?

Life seems to be the balance of the unknown and the comforting. Being in Edmonton right now, I almost feel trapped and anxious to leave. But as I talk to people who are off having their adventures in Europe, I hear about a lot of homesickness. So, maybe rather than itching to get out, I should be grateful for all I have here.

My theory on heaven is that it will be a place where we are always having an adventure, but have all the comforts of home. Downhere has a hidden track with the lyrics "remind us that we have not reached home." I've always appreciated that when life is scary, confusing or just plain unpleasant. This is not the end of the journey.

Wow, I don't know how I got there from graduation. I am living in exciting times, but am also really scared because I don't know what my life will look like in a month and a half.

If anyone knows of a management consulting firm looking for a fresh undergraduate lackey to train as a consultant... please let me know!

Myopia

When I was mentally creating this blog post earlier in my head, it was going to be about procrastination. I have a group presentation in just over 2 hours and another group project due tomorrow. As I was working on both of those things earlier (yes, simultaneously, since I'm a multi-tasker), I was going to take a "break" to talk about how bad I am for procrastinating.

But, then, I realized that even if I decided to put off doing those tasks, I was still going to have to do them later. That's the problem with procrastination - it usually creates bigger problems in the long-run and never actually enables you to avoid work.

So then I got to thinking about how we humans are so focussed on the short-term that we often make decisions that seriously hamper our long-terms. I have been thinking about this a lot lately as Switchfoot often examines the tension between living for today and living in light of eternity. To further compound that, in a study on Ephesians 3 last week we talked about how different our lives would look if we could truly live in knowledge of God's power and his ability to do "immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine."

As you can now see, I chose not to procrastinate in my studies to post a blog. Instead, I worked through it and now that I have finished what I wanted to do, I am posting a blog guilt-free.

Honestly, I can't imagine how much different my life would be if I could get over my myopia and develop long-term vision.

Do

"I've heard that we only use a small part of our brain. Maybe our soul is the same way. And maybe we're half asleep most of our lives, simply reacting to the stimulus our brain receives. Action, true action is rare indeed." - Jon Foreman, lead singer of Switchfoot

Having seen Switchfoot twice in concert over the last week, I've been feeling challenged to conquer the status quo. I think our lives can easily pass by without us really stepping in and doing anything to make them meaningful. We keep thinking that tomorrow is when we are going to change the world, not today. And Tomorrow comes, but when it does, it becomes Today, and yet another excuse not to do anything.

The world needs people who are willing to say, "what's going on is not acceptable." To quasi-quote Bono, "it's not okay that there are children dying of hunger in an age of plenty." But what can we do? I used to think it was enough to care, but I'm starting to wonder if there must be something else.

Awareness is important, too. After all, even if I did decide to do all I could about the AIDS crisis in Africa, on my own, it is not nearly as much as we could collectively accomplish. And if no one knows what is happening, then they can't join in the fight.

Anyway, I am left in the middle of the same struggle I was in when I began writing. What can we do Today about the struggles of the world? How do I prevent my life from merely passing me by... enjoying a career and all the other niceties of life, but never really accomplishing anything of consequence?

It's Cold Outside

The wind outside is whistling through the trees and it just sounds like tundra. Kind of what you would expect from such movies as "The Day After Tomorrow." I'm still not sure what makes that blog-worthy, but somehow this snap of bitter cold weather just seems dreary. As I made the long trek from Windsor Car Park to the Business building, my wet hair literally became frozen chunks. Luckily by now, after three days of this, I decided to take advantage of that wonderful invention we Canucks call "the toque."

It's not even THAT cold. I've survived spells of -35, and it's only -18 (but feels like -30).

As I apply for jobs, I'm definitely seeing the appeal of heading for warmer ground. In business we learn that there are always tradeoffs, but I wonder what tradeoff there could possibly be for warmer weather?

Since I know there are relatives that read my blog, I suppose now is a good a time as any to update you on my post-graduation plans. I finish exams on April 23, and then I am done my undergraduate degree! From there, I plan on finding a job in a consulting firm, where they will train me to be a consultant. I'll do that for a few years before heading off to complete my MBA, get my CMC (Certified Management Consultant) and continue consulting. At some point in time I may specialize, but I don't have to worry about that now. I've applied for jobs in Edmonton, Toronto, London (UK), San Francisco, Seattle and LA. Sorry... not Winnipeg. ;-)

Oh, How We Cheat Ourselves

About a year and a half ago, when I first started Business school, we talked about iPods in all my classes. Being a definite music lover, I started to develop a desire to get my own iPod. When we learned about the different terms for people who adopt products at different stages in my Marketing class, and the term for people who didn't get new products for a while was "laggards," that was the last straw. I decided I needed an iPod.

At the time, Telus had a deal where if you buy a new phone, you can get a new iPod on the same day for $50 off. My phone was starting to wear out, and couldn't keep its charge, so I decided that I would take advantage of the deal. Since I couldn't afford the 30 GB iPod, I figured I would get a nano.

When it got time to actually pay for the iPod, I suddenly realized that it probably wasn't the best use of my money, and didn't buy it.

That Christmas, I got a 30 GB iPod as a gift.

This may seem like a lame story, but I'm retelling it because it represents something that God has been teaching me lately. I'm at a place in my life where I'm getting really close to the next "stage" and I don't know what's coming. As a result, there are so many ways that I try to rush ahead of God and figure out what He's doing. This leaves me feeling discontent and unsatisfied.

God doesn't want me to go out and get only a partial version of what He has for me. He wants me to be patient and let Him give me the very best, in His timing. When we try to rush ahead of God, we only cheat ourselves. But if we are patient, we not only get something that is infinitely better, we also get to be content and hopeful in the meantime.

Wait on God. It's worth it.

Revenge

Last night I watched "The Prestige" and it was a highly fascinating movie. Without revealing too much of the plot, the basic gist of the movie is two magicians who were once friends and are now rivals trying to out-do each other and get each other back for past wrongs.

The two magicians have two obsessions: figure out how the other does his illusions and out-do him, and exact revenge for whatever wrong was last commited by the other. In the process of living out these obsessions, the two magicians ruin their families, lives and careers.

Maybe there was something to when God said, "revenge is mine." Maybe in the process of trying to prove ourselves right, we ultimately end up damaging ourselves most of all.

Bono once said something to the effect of, "most of the world believes in karma, but I believe in grace, because I'm utterly dependent on it." I think the essence of that statement speaks a relevant truth: we should be more obsessed with grace than with revenge.

If you take the time to think about times when others have hurt you, I'm sure that things will come to mind. But, if you think about the times when you have hurt others, it probably is a much longer list. So, when you think about revenge and justice, maybe it's not such a good thing...

Maybe you are more utterly dependent on grace than you realize.

Honesty

Do you ever think that maybe the person you lie to most is yourself?

This thought is the culmination of various random conversations I've had over the past little while.

- A debate about the Christian music industry.
- A discussion board topic in which Christians started an argument with those who didn't share their faith.
- A discussion about the roots of Christianity.
- Reading the lyrics from the song of a guy who sent me a message through mySpace.

The final one was the clincher. I can't remember the artist's name, and I didn't read the lyrics thoroughly, but the gist was that the artist was doubting if there was a God because of the hurt he'd experienced.

For me, God has always been a given. I really have been going to church since before I was born. (Since my mom went, and I was inside her.) Growing up in Sunday School, they don't really expose you to atheistic views. And all through the years, I was a devout church-goer, youth-group-attender.

That's my background. And, just to set the record straight, I absolutely believe in God, and I believe the Bible is God's Words to me.

But I don't think it ends there. I think that being real with ourselves and real with God should be an ongoing part of our lives. God never intended for us to read the whole Bible, believe that He exists and then go on with our lives, blindly trusting Him.

Abraham had a child with his wife's maidservant because He didn't think God would provide him with a son through his wife. But he kept talking to God, and eventually his wife became pregnant. Abraham was called the "father of many nations" and is an epic character in the Bible.

Jacob wrestled with God. Can you believe that someone had the nerve to wrestle with God? Guess what happened... God changed his name to Israel, and he became the father of the very nation that still exists to this day.

Peter denied Jesus. When Jesus needed him most, he told everyone that he didn't know Jesus. Fifty or so days later, he was risking his life preaching to over 2000 people.

These are just a few of the stories of people who lived lives of examined faith. They struggled and wrestled and screwed up, but God rewarded them for having the courage to do so.

One of the things that bothers me most about Christians today is that we accept what we know, pocket it into our minds, and go on with our lives. We're afraid to hurt, afraid to doubt, afraid to question.

But God wants us to be honest. Sometimes we can honestly say that things are hunky dory. But sometimes they aren't.

Be real with yourself. Be real with God.

Why Does Nobody Tell Them?

Tonight was the season premiere of American Idol.

It's not a show that I've ever really followed, but I find the auditions to be incredibly amusing. And usually I miss them, but today, because it was supposed to be a Gilmore Girls night, I found myself at the TV and lucked out.

Tonight I learned something about truth - it's a good thing. There were a great many people who found themselves on national TV tonight who probably wished that someone would have told them.

Take, for example, the juggling/dancing/trying to sing boy. He sang a very off-key rendition of some very old Michael W Smith song WHILE doing the juggling sticks thing. His voice was awful. Did no one hear him sing? Was there no one in his life who had the heart to tell him maybe he should stick with something else?

Then there was the Wizard of Oz girl. She had a poster of the Yellow Brick Road and did some weird lion thing. Did no one see her making the poster? A sibling? Parent? Roommate? Was there no one in her life who could tell her that she should just sing a normal song?

And finally, one of my personal favourites, an American Idol superfan. She was a vocal performance major in college, and for her song, she chose to sing "Under Pressure." Yes, the song by Queen and David Bowie. Why, oh why, did no one suggest an alternative?

There is no way to determine why each of these people managed to get on TV to make embarassments of themselves. Perhaps they had some filtering people in their lives and simply chose to ignore them. Maybe we should look inwardly and see if there is anything that is turning off those filters in our own lives.

Tonight I have no answers. Just questions.

Head Over Heels

Head Over Heels (In This Life)

Head over here and take me
Head over heels and aching
When I told you I was yours
I was yours

In this life, you’re the one place I call home
In this life, you’re the feeling I belong
In this life, you’re the flower and the thorn
You’re everything that’s fair in love and war

I’m coming down like a gunshot
In all these battles I’ve fought
You’re the mark I’m aiming for
I was yours

Head over heels

In this life I’m stubborn to the core
In this life I’ve been burning after more
We both know what these open arms are for
You’re everything that’s fair

In this life, you’re my only one

---------------------

These are the lyrics from the song Head Over Heels from the latest album by Switchfoot, Oh! Gravity.

They are taken directly from www.switchfoot.com

Weary

Ever since a telemarketer pulled me from the middle of my REM sleep this morning, I've felt tired.

There are about 85 minutes until the official start of my very last semester of school. Instead of relishing in the freedom of 85 minutes with no textbook readings, assignments, studying or group projects, I have an extra curricular project which I must scramble to finish.

*sigh*

Maybe I'm not so much tired as I am wishing I could find out how my dream ended.

Stupid telemarketers.

2006 in Review

It's that time of the year.

The time of the year when I pull out a truly selfish blog to think, ponder and process.

Before I started this "reflection" blog, I looked at last year's to see what my expectations were for this year.

It's interesting, because my expectations were purely status quo: continue to do well in school, run a good summer of day camp and go on a couple of road trips. And, being true to the last two decades, I would not fall in love.

How did I do?

School - I did well. Not really much else to say. I'm proud of my accomplishments and glad that I worked hard enough, so that was good. I've also learned a lot and have really been enjoying my studies.

Day Camp - Again, went well. God seemed to even teach me the same lessons over and over again... He takes care of things. I just need to trust Him. He always provides.

Road Trips - There were some good ones this year. In February, my sister and a couple friends of ours went down the Phoenix, AZ and had some great adventures as well as some relaxing days spent beside the pool. Then at the end of April, I flew down to Vancouver to see a friend of mine as well as my favourite band (Switchfoot) in concert. July and Canada Day brought a trip to Victoria. Then over the August long weekend, my sisters and I went on a whirlwind trip to visit family in Winnipeg. We were gone for a total of four days and during that time made it within about 20 minutes of the Ontario border!

Love - surprise, surprise... didn't happen.

Other highlights of 2006 included working at a variety of part-time jobs, including marking accounting assignments and working as a sales associate at a clothing store. Many existing friendships developed further and I got to know some new people.

So what does 2007 hold? Wouldn't I like to know... I've got four months of school before I hit the big question mark. What are my expectations for 2007?

Well... there are two that I know of for sure. First, I want to have a strong finish to my last semester of school. My goal is to have a degree that says "Dean's List." (I think they write that on your diploma, don't they?)

Second, I want to go on some more adventures. Talks are in place for another Reading Week roadtrip, and there are a few more foreign destinations in the back of my mind.

Beyond that, considering that I am going to be more fervently developing my career beginning in May, I want to learn more about myself and my strengths and my passions when it comes to working. So, it may seem like a cop-out, since we should always be learning, growing and discovering who we are, but I want to make that an intentional part of my life this year.

A Great Quote

"For those who are hungry, give them bread.
For those who have bread, give them hunger for justice."

O Death, Where is Thy Sting?

Ever since I heard a sermon last Sunday on the Christmas story, I'd been wondering if the two-thousand-year-old story would ever catch me as new and fresh again. It sounds horrible to say, but I feel like after 25 Christmases, I've been through the story from the point of view of every character (even the lamb, thank you Max Lucado) and analyzed it from every angle. And that's not to say that I've lost the wonder, but the freshness seemed gone.

And then tonight, I went and saw Handel's Messiah. And, if you want to talk about new and fresh, that would not be it for me as I've been to see it every year for the last couple and analyzed it once for a music history class.

But this year, they did the entire thing - all 53 pieces. And it was in a tiny little recitative buried between the infamously grand Air "the trumpet shall sound" and the not quite so famous duet "O death, where is thy sting?" that I saw the Christmas story from the point of view of a character I had not recently pondered: me.

Just two lines in the program, the recitative read: "Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallow'd up in victory." (1 Corinthians 15:54) And I don't know why it was that one line that caught my attention more than "the trumpet shall sound," but that's when it hit me.

Christmas is not it's own story. Christmas actually comes in the middle of the story. The story started many, many years ago in a garden, when humans first chose to disobey God, bringing death as an inevitable part of humanity. That death has permeated everything; sin runs rampant in our world. For us to imagine a life without death or sin is, dare I say, impossible. But God knows what it was like, He remembers His original vision for humanity: close friends and companions. So, rather than giving up on us and starting out with a new world, He decided to enter our world and literally take the problem of sin into His own hands.

And that's Christmas: God loving us enough to penetrate humanity. And what a welcome we gave Him. Michael W Smith's "Welcome to Our World" puts it so clearly: "hope that you don't mind our manger; how I wish we would have known."

God, who created the universe with a word, becomes a tiny little baby. He takes on our flesh; we can never say to Him, "you don't understand what it means to be human."

"And, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death; even death on a cross." (Philippians 2)

But then He conquered death. He made it possible for us to also escape Death and experience Him as He originally intended.

We're still in the middle of the story. There will come a day when Death will truly lose it's sting and we will experience life in all it's sinless abundance. I can't imagine what it will be like to have Death swallow'd up in victory, but one day it's going to happen.

And that is the wonder of the Christmas story. It isn't just a tale of some supernatural experiences that happened in a far-away land 2000 years ago. It is the reality of what God has done for us and the anticipation of what Life will be like when we can fully experience the repercussions of His selfless act.

Oi. Seems like a bunch of ramblings and I'm too tired to edit. But I hope you can find a nugget of truth in there that you can relate to.

Beloved

Today, as I was walking back to the parking lot after class, it was snowing. On its own, this is far from a remarkable event, but it got me to thinking about what I call the "wonder of spontaneous beauty."

Bill Hybels suggests that there are several pathways to God, and before you cry heresy on me, I will explain that what he means by this is that we each have a different way of connecting with God. Some feel closest to God in service, others in worship, others in meditation and solitude, others in activism... My "pathway" is nature.

There are moments in my life when God just surprises me with beauty in nature. On a road trip several years ago, as we were driving down the Oregon Coast, we turned the corner, and there was the ocean, set against an incredibly gorgeous sunset. It was a serene beautiful moment... and I was filled with the wonder of spontaneous beauty.

Snow does that for me, too. On mild winter nights, when the big, fat snowflakes are falling, I feel the same joy inside. In summer, it's fields of tiger lilies.

These moments are ones that can't be orchestrated or re-created. We can put ourselves in positions to experience them, but only God brings out the Northern Lights or the perfect flowers or the cloud-enhanced sunset or the big fat snowflakes that add that extra layer of wonder.

And then it hit me that when that happens, it's God saying "I love you." It's His way of romancing me and reminding me that I am extra special to Him. It's the human equivalent of a dozen roses or love letters... but infinitely more precious and divine.

The Mark of Our Generation

For the sake of simplicity, let's just include everyone alive today as "our" generation.

Tonight I heard a compelling interview with Bono (for the second time, actually, but I still loved it), in which he stated that our generation could be known as the generation that eradicates stupid poverty.

It's not such a great feat, you know. Women were given the right to vote. Racism ended in the States. Apartheid ended in South Africa. While all these things ultimately amounted to a political decision, it took an entire nation of paradigm shifting to make them possible.

The AIDS crisis and ensuing poverty are not a simple matter of political decision. There are complex factors involved, and convincing a government to change it's policy is a tiny fraction of the problem.

But perhaps if our generation truly bonded together to do something, we could effect change.

Bono said something to the effect of... "the world is malleable, it can be wrestled from fools". Let's be a part of the movement to end extreme, "stupid" poverty.

www.joinred.com <- a campaign that dedicates half of the profits from special (RED) Products to the Global Fund, which fights AIDS
http://www.worldvision.org/resources.nsf/main/AidsTest.html/$FILE/AidsTest.html <- a quiz on AIDS... I learned a lot from taking it

Divine Romance

Check out the song Divine Romance by Phil Wickham:
http://myspace.com/philwickham then click on "Divine Romance"
At the risk of violating copyright laws, I won't print the lyrics, instead I'll let you enjoy the whole song.

I discovered it on the mySpace of a friend who just got married, and all the attendants walked in to that song, so I was reminded of how much I love it.

But it's also so pertinent to where I'm at right now. The officiating pastor at the wedding talked about how marriage on earth is simply a picture of the reality of Christ loving us. He shared the image of how in the Old Testament times, the betrothal would last a year, then the groom would march through the city with the best man blowing a ram's horn going to claim his bride.

As a girl, I've often struggled with the desire for romance and feeling loved, cherished and beautiful. But as God and I have talked about it, He's shown me that He created me with those desires because HE intends to fulfill them. Marriage here on earth is all good, I'm sure, but ultimately if I'm not fulfilled knowing that God loves and cherishes me, then I'm not going to be fulfilled by anything.

So, Mom and Dad, next time you give me trouble about being at the age where I should get married, I'd like to remind you that I am already betrothed.

Stars

As I was getting out of the car tonight, I happened to look up, and the sky was perfectly clear. I could see Orion and the Pleiades and the Big Dipper.

Even though I know that everyone can see them, I always feel like God put the stars there as a special present for me. He could have done space a million different ways, but He chose to create a masterpiece of lights on a dark background. I love that He does that.

"But when I look at the stars, I see Someone else...
When I look at the stars, I feel like myself...
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home."
- Switchfoot

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands."
- Psalm 19:1

Seeing the stars reminds me that there is a God who cared enough to create a masterpiece of the night sky. It puts everything into perspective. God is great and creative, but He's also big and infinite. When we look at the sky, we see Him, and when we see Him, we also see ourselves more clearly. The huge night sky, especially now that we know just how insignificant the earth is in comparison, is a reminder that we are such a small, small part of creation, and God is so much bigger than us.

This is just a friendly reminder to look up sometime...

Grace and Pride

"God... gives grace to the humble." Proverbs 3:34

Pride is the ultimate sin. It is often an accomplice sin, but the reason I believe it is so bad is because when we indulge in pride, we are prevented from asking for forgiveness and receiving God's grace. God's forgiveness is absolutely free, but in order to receive it, we have to ask. And pride prevents us from doing this.

In the story of David and Bathsheba, I see many different ways in which David shows pride. First of all, by not going to war, he put himself into a situation where he could be tempted. Then, after he saw Bathsheba on the roof, rather than telling an advisor he was struggling, he kept it a secret. Then he invited her over, they had sex, and she got pregnant. Pride enters again. Rather than confessing to Uriah that he had slept with his wife, David chose to maintain his tatters of pride and have Uriah killed.

There are three distinct ways in which God shows his grace in this story. First of all, I believe that by allowing David to experience the natural consequences of his sin, God showed grace - because it forced David to own up to it. When our sin goes by without consequence, we grow numb to it.

Secondly, God showed grace in exposing David. If Nathan the prophet had never confronted David, he would have lived with the shame and guilt of his actions. They would have eaten away at him for who knows how long. They would have prevented him from feeling God's grace.

Which leads to the third and most obvious way that God shows his grace - He forgave him and restored him. Psalm 51 gives us a taste of both David's agony, and ultimately his experience of God's grace and forgiveness. "Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin." Then, David asks, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

When we sin, which we all do, the biggest mistake we can make is pridefully hiding it. God will only forgive us when we ask. Bono once said that he liked grace better than karma because he was so utterly dependent on it.

Let's live in dependence on grace.

Love vs. Romance

Tonight I happened to turn on the TV and watch The Bachelor: Rome. Now, I don't recommend watching this show, but in this case, curiosity got the better of me, and I tuned in. The show is set up to be every girl's dream: a real Italian prince, dates in Rome, yada yada...

And that combined with a sermon on love a few weeks ago has gotten me to thinking:

Since when did romance replace love?

Think about popular culture... there aren't a whole lot of chick flicks that deal with solid marriages. The few notable exceptions which may touch on the long-term, commitment aspect really only mention it while focussing on the romantic "falling in love" part. For example, the Notebook. Possibly one of the most beautiful love stories ever, with (SPOILER: if you haven't seen the movie before, I'm about to spoil the ending) the married couple dying together, after we see that he faithfully stood by her even as she lost her memory. Which is a beautiful story of love and commitment, but that part of the movie was so minimal. The focus of the movie was the part where they "fell in love" and where their romance "blossomed," if you will.

I'm definitely not an expert on love and romance. In fact, I am the opposite. Not even an amateur or a rookie... more of a nothing at all... But, I have a feeling that the romance and "falling in love" part is such a minimal part - so why is culture so focussed on that?

Anyway, these thoughts are far from being fully developed. Just a rant after hearing all these girls talk about how chasing this Italian prince was like a dream...

No Good, Very Bad Day

There are some days when you just shouldn't write about what's on your mind, and today is one of those days. So, I will try to shift from the non-events that are making me grouchy to a psychological analysis on why they are all happening today.

It really is true what "they" say about outlook - it really affects everything. When you're tired, minor glitches seem to compile to make you frustrated. Joking around with friends suddenly becomes old and you just want to lash out. Twenty minutes into your 80 minute Accounting class, you suddenly realize that accounting really IS boring, and you've been duped over the past year into thinking that it's interesting and practical. Today, I realized that all we are doing is memorizing rules for making income statements. Yes, that's what I love to do - memorize rules.

So, maybe not the profession for me. I don't really like following rules, much less memorizing them.

But, the thing is, if I had chosen to just be happy this morning, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe when Hotmail experienced technical difficulties and wouldn't let me download the report I needed to print, I could have simply shrugged, logged out, and logged back in again. That would have been more productive than yelling at the monitor. (Yes, Mom, I know that when I yell "stupid computer," if it could hear and process, it would yell back, "stupid operator.")

Maybe when I found out that the van isn't going to be fixed until tomorrow, I wouldn't have gone for a rant on how they should give me a courtesy car and how I'm never buying a Dodge. (Kind of a useless rant, since I decided that a long, LONG time ago.)

Sleep may have a huge factor on my "cheery thermometer," but perhaps I can CHOOSE to be pleasant.

After all, I've gotten more work done today than any other day this semester.

And maybe tonight I'll fall asleep when my head hits the pillow, and I can look forward to waking up early and having a productive day tomorrow.

So... time for happy thoughts. :-)

An Analogy, maybe...

The great poker players don't need good hands to win. All this came up in an argument - er, discussion - I had with my friend Jeremy the other day. Apparently I was playing too conservatively.

"I'm just not going to play 10-6 offsuit," I said, "and I haven't been getting anything better." (10-6 offsuit means a 10 and a 6 that are different suits. It's an okay-ish hand.)

Then, when I finally got "Big Slick" (an Ace and a King), I lost to the lunatic who decided to play 4-5 and hit the straight. (A straight is 5 cards in a row, so if an Ace, 2 and 3 came up, having a 4 and 5 would give him a straight.)

"What in the world is he doing playing 4-5 anyway?" I asked.

Poker players tend to gravitate to one of two poles - intuition or analytical. The intuitive players will play 2-7 offsuit (which is considered the worst hand in poker, because you won't get a straight that includes both 2 and 7, you likely won't hit a flush, which is all cards of the same suit, and the 7 then is the lowest possible card you can get without the possibility of a straight) simply because they "feel" it. They rely on past glory stories as proof that it is a good strategy.

The analytical players only play cards that are really good. Pairs or face cards. And if the table is big enough, there will have to be two face cards in a hand before the analytical players will play it. When there is a raise, the analytical player will calculate the odds that their hand is good (or could become good if they hit the right cards), and will only call the raise if the percentage they have to pay at least matches the percentage that their hand is good.

So, there are intuitive players and analytical players... and then there's me. Being a more mathematically oriented person, I always start playing analytically. I play only the good hands, stay in only if I have a reasonable hope of winning the hand, and very rarely bluff.

But, then... the pot will reach a certain size, and I'll have a good hand, and while I know that there are better hands out there, I just can't fold a good hand. So I stick around and lose everything. (Just for the record, I don't play for real money, so losing everything is not the end of the world.)

This loss could easily be credited to a lapse in strategy. But, I've always seen it as something else - a lapse in discipline. I really believe that the analytical method is the more practical, guaranteed strategy. But, sometimes I get bored or impatient of waiting for the monster hand. And as a result, I lose discipline.

So, what can we learn from all this? I think life is about discipline. There are too many misalignments in my life between what I know and believe, and what I do. A valuable exercise would be to make a list of core values in your life (things that you believe in your head/heart), then write out the ways they manifest themselves. I think it would be very eye-opening.

Well, that's all my thoughts for today.

Feeling Uninspired

Nothing to say, but was tired of the Ode at the top of my page. It was centered, and nothing else was, so it looked weird.

Ode to Eeyore

Oh, Eeyore.

You never really did anything.

But you were pretty.

Sometimes you ate when I put the food at the top of your tank.

You always swam away when I tried to get you into the cup to clean your bowl. But I eventually tracked you down.

Even holding a mirror up to your tank didn't bring out the fight in you.

You never were very active. Even when I first got you. That's why I named you Eeyore. Like the Winnie-the-Pooh character who was always so melancholy.

But you were pretty.

And now you are gone.

---------------------

Since my sister's blog contains a memoir of Eeyore, I figured it was only appropriate to honour his memory on my own blog.

Eeyore
2004 - 2006

Fear

There is a pivotal moment in the Phantom of the Opera in which Christine must make a decision. Does she face her fears and go see the Phantom, now that she has seen him for what he really is, or does she run from the performance, the opera and the Phantom?

In their discussions about the situation, Raoul makes a very valid point... if Christine does not face her fears, she will live with them for the rest of her life, always wondering when and if the Phantom will show up.

That lead me to think... Fear is very paradoxical in a way. If we never face our fears, we live with them forever. But there is also great fear in facing them.

So how do we balance the fears in our lives? Which do we face, and which do we live with? I guess that is a question for each of us to answer individually.

Fall and New Beginnings

Fall...

My favourite time of the year. How can I count the reasons why I love fall so? The leaves change colours. The weather starts to cool off... but comfortably. Fall clothes are awesome. You can go outside in a hoodie. Last year, we had a CD in the van with the song "Beautiful Day" by U2 on it. Somehow, every morning, we managed to be listening to that song as we pulled onto the university campus. And it was SO fitting... there were days when leaves just swirled around as they fell to the ground on the tree-lined streets.

Fall isn't supposed to be nice. In my conversations with others, all I've heard is that fall is just a prelude to the cold and winter and all that brings. Fall is a time of ending, and death really, if you think about it.

But... here's my argument. God redeemed fall by making it incredibly beautiful. So, maybe there is something in endings and death that we need to learn.

Endings are beautiful. The ending of one thing is, without exception, the beginning of another. And beginnings are always great... starting a new job, career, relationship, habit... Beginnings don't worry so much about the past. They are fresh and full of hope.

But in order to experience beginnings, we need endings. Imagine if we could skip fall and winter. What would happen come springtime, when the old leaves covered the trees? It just wouldn't be the same. A tree needs to lose it's leaves in order to make way for fresh, new ones.

And now, ironically, with the yellow leaves comes another set of ending and beginning for me. The end of my summer job, and my time of employment with the church. The beginning of the last year of my undergraduate degree. A new year with a fresh canvas...

Maybe this will be the year I learn to study properly...

Human

"Religion to me is almost like when God leaves - and people devise a set of rules to fill the space."

- Bono (as quoted in "Walk On" p. 18)

Oh Christian sub-culture. I recently read a book entitled "The Christian Culture Survival Guide." It was quite humorous. However, it was also quite shameful. The sad part of the whole book was that 1) I got all the jokes and 2) they didn't always paint Christians in a positive light.

As someone who can easily be grouped in with the Christian sub-culture, I have long stated, along with many others, that Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship. I would argue vehemently with others that I am not religious.

Unfortunately, I must now say that I am guilty as charged. There is a definite relationship there, and the whole thing that God and I have going on goes way beyond a set of norms and rules. But... on top of that raw grace relationship, I have piled norms and rules. I have judged others based on how they fit the cookie-cutter mold that I always thought was Christianity. There are things that I have done or not done based on what Christianity, and not necessarily the Bible, says is appropriate.

I am not a Christian. I am a human, first and foremost, just like every other human. I have hope because of this profound thing called grace, which is available to every other human. The implications of accepting this grace has had vast consequences in my life (which I can blog about at another time). But, as the very essence of my being, I am simply a human, like everyone else.

One pet peeve that I have long had with "Christian" music is that it just doesn't seem real. Music should capture the struggle between reality and faith, and I often find that Christian music focusses way too much on the faith. There is nothing wrong with this... just for the record. But, if you read any of the Psalms, David balanced his real struggles with faith that God would take him out of them.

Many people have accused bands like Switchfoot and U2 of "selling out." I think it's the opposite... Switchfoot and U2 capture real life in their art. It is a balance of being human and experiencing grace. We can relate better to it because it's real.

These thoughts may seem random, but I'll sum them up here... Speaking to those who identify with the Christian sub-culture: Let's be relevant. We are not special or different; we are human. The only difference between us and those who don't identify with our sub-culture is a grace which is available to all. Speaking to those who don't identify with the sub-culture: Don't let something that smells an awful lot like religion prevent you from investigating a grace that could radically alter your life.

And just a final disclaimer... it may seem like I'm down on the church, but I'm not. I'm just in the process of investigating where the value and the damage lie in organized Christianity.

Why Bono is one of my new heroes

Yesterday, at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit, I had the privilege of hearing Bono (lead singer of U2) speak. First of all, I loved hearing him speak because it seems that many songwriters have such a poetic eloquence that carries over into everything they write and say. (Jon Foreman of Switchfoot has that same talent.)

More importantly, Bono captured a lot of things that were on my heart and put words to them. I am so thankful that someone with such influence and eloquence cares so passionately for social justice.

So, I'm going to put a few quotes from what he says and elaborate on them. If you know of anyone who attending the Leadership Summit, I would highly recommend borrowing a copy of the DVD of Bono's interview from them. (Yes, interview... It's quite remarkable what happens when Bill Hybels and Bono get together.)

"'Love thy neighbour' is not advice; it's a command."

The question becomes "who is my neighbour?" Remember in Luke 10 when an expert of the law asked Jesus that very question? I think we can easily surmise that our neighbour becomes anyone, whether they live next door or across the world.

Walking around the Legislature grounds the other day, I read a sobering quote regarding the Holocaust. "Neutrality always helps the oppressor, never the tormented." (I apologize because I can't remember who said it!)

Today we live in a world with a Holocaust of Hunger. If we don't care, if we don't do anything, we are contributing to the problem. There are only two sides: fight "stupid poverty" (that which "sees a child die of hunger in an age of plenty," that which is completely preventable) or encourage it. By doing nothing, we are part of the problem. If I do nothing to fight poverty, I am guilty for the deaths of AIDS-afflicted orphans and hungry widows.

So what can we do? Well, my apologies to all the skeptics, but I'm going to reference Bill Hybels. First of all, we need to be educated about the problems out there. Then we need to do SOMETHING to alleviate human suffering.

Here are some links to help you with the first step:

http://www.one.org - A campaign started by Bono to eliminate third-world debt and other poverty issues
http://www.invisiblechildren.com - A campaign targetting child soldiers and poverty in northern Uganda
http://www.lowercasepeople.com - An e-zine with a section about social justice
http://www.data.org - A campaign targeting debt, AIDS and trade for Africa

A Thousand Words

Sunsets and Other Such Delights

Lately, I've had several opportunities to enjoy the sun setting. What is it about sunsets that is so exquisite? I feel like it has to be more than the brilliant display of colour.

Last week, we were driving through Saskatchewan and after watching the sun set in my rear view mirror, I pulled over to the side of the road so I could just take it in (and capture it on virtual film). The sun was actually hidden behind a large cloud and beams of light shot out from behind the cloud while the whole sky (and you can see the whole sky in Saskatchewan!) filled with rich crimson and violet hues.

Last night I had another opportunity to take in the sunset. It was raining, but the sun still appeared in the West, complete with exquisite colour.

So why are they so amazing? There's something more than the colour, because flowers are pretty colours, too, but I don't pull up a chair and sit to watch them for a long time.

Perhaps it is that I appreciate so much that God chose to make something that is so routine breathtaking. Every single day the sun sets... Yet many evenings it becomes this incredible show.

Another thing about sunsets is that they are a prairie treat. The mountains and their splendour are 4 hours away. The ocean is at least 12. Many other places have great scenery, but nothing hosts a sunset like the flat horizon of the Prairies.

Symbolically, sunsets are a reminder that today and it's troubles are done. A new day is coming. For good days, sunsets serve as a brilliant finale. Either way, they hold hope for the new day that is coming.

Well... this has probably been an over-analysis, but what can I say? I'm a girl... we specialize in that. :)

Moment to Breathe

Ahhh.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you used to get bored? It seems now that boredom would almost be a luxury. In the time between getting home and leaving to go back and do some more work this afternoon, I almost find myself bored. But then I think of all the other things that I miss doing and I realize that there is no such thing as boredom anymore. There are so many other small luxuries to fill my time.

For a few minutes I sat and played the piano. I can't even remember the last time I got to sit down and really just play. There's something therapeutic about sitting at the piano bench and letting the music flow from your fingers. It's like thinking without words. Processing thoughts and feelings without really encountering them. I love instrumental worship. One of my favorite things to do is sit at the piano in an empty sanctuary at church and just improvise. Playing around with different melodies and chord progressions and letting all the feelings pour from me without saying them. Using my fingers to say "God, I love you, and this is how I'm expressing it right now."

You know... it's ironic that hear I am using words to express the indulgence of thinking and feeling without words. I don't have to be anywhere for half an hour, and I think there's a piano upstairs calling my name.

Hmmmm...

It's been a while since I've blogged, but it's because life has just been crazy. That and the thoughts in my mind somehow don't seem blog-worthy.

In less than a week, the first day camp starts, and I'm excited to see it all come together. Of course, I'm also really nervous to see how it's going to turn out. I am afraid that sometimes what I tell myself is a goal of excellence is actually perfection. Right now, we're not hurting super badly for staff... Which should really be a huge relief. BUT, the reason we aren't hurting is because registrations are down. Somehow I feel like it would be better to be stressed about finding staff, but here I am, instead stressed about getting registrations in.

My co-worker assures me that I don't really need to stress about this, since there is nothing we can do about it anyway. And yet, I wonder what I could possibly have done wrong that registrations are down so low.

Blame is an interesting thing. It seems we often blame others for our own mistakes, but we blame ourselves for things we have no control over. I know I struggle with that. It probably comes from a desire to please others. I can't explain it exactly, but it makes sense in my mind.

Anyway... this week is way less stressful than this week at this time last year was.

:) I apologize that this blog is not more interesting.

Of course, that assumes that every once in a while, there is an interesting blog.

Thoughtless

That's how I'm feeling today. Not thoughtless as in failing to think about the needs of others, but thoughtless in the sense of having no thoughts.

Plus my arms and hands are tired from a foray into helping build the deck behind our house. I am just not mechanically inclined.

Well, maybe I will have something to write later.